See, I wonder sometimes if things would've been different if I hadn't turned down Sue like that. When she approached me, that is. (Course I had to find out after all was said and done because people have a habit of obliviating me. Story of my life, really. Oblivious. That's me in one.)
So yeah. I wonder whether it would've made a difference to have a place where you could think and sort things out and not be so alone or feel so hopeless or so bloody terrified about tripping up.
Because I was. All the time.
But that's the rub, innit? Too much of a coward to take a risk, so I blew my chance to not be as much of a coward, but even then, might've still been in over my head.
Figure it's more that I resent myself, if I'm being honest.
And you know, being honest doesn't come easy. Had to really work at it, you know. To be honest about what I did, and what I didn't do. And what was real and what wasn't.
So that brings us to part one, I guess. Because you get told things enough, things you're supposed to just accept. And some of them don't fit or make sense. So there's these lies you tell yourself to stay safe, because you're too thick to see what sort of choices you have beyond 'follow the rules' and 'don't rock the boat', and you tell them to yourself often enough, you start to sort of believe them because otherwise you've got nothing to hold on to.
And then a whole bunch of people turn round and go, 'Yeah, those were all lies though,' and this reality you cobbled together with spellotape just sort of falls apart, and you feel like a right idiot.
Which is to say, there's a whole tonne of things that I didn't know, but part of it was because I didn't want to know.
...and now I've gone on far longer than I thought I would. Anyways.
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Date: 2016-02-09 01:31 am (UTC)I don't know.
See, I wonder sometimes if things would've been different if I hadn't turned down Sue like that. When she approached me, that is. (Course I had to find out after all was said and done because people have a habit of obliviating me. Story of my life, really. Oblivious. That's me in one.)
So yeah. I wonder whether it would've made a difference to have a place where you could think and sort things out and not be so alone or feel so hopeless or so bloody terrified about tripping up.
Because I was. All the time.
But that's the rub, innit? Too much of a coward to take a risk, so I blew my chance to not be as much of a coward, but even then, might've still been in over my head.
Figure it's more that I resent myself, if I'm being honest.
And you know, being honest doesn't come easy. Had to really work at it, you know. To be honest about what I did, and what I didn't do. And what was real and what wasn't.
So that brings us to part one, I guess. Because you get told things enough, things you're supposed to just accept. And some of them don't fit or make sense. So there's these lies you tell yourself to stay safe, because you're too thick to see what sort of choices you have beyond 'follow the rules' and 'don't rock the boat', and you tell them to yourself often enough, you start to sort of believe them because otherwise you've got nothing to hold on to.
And then a whole bunch of people turn round and go, 'Yeah, those were all lies though,' and this reality you cobbled together with spellotape just sort of falls apart, and you feel like a right idiot.
Which is to say, there's a whole tonne of things that I didn't know, but part of it was because I didn't want to know.
...and now I've gone on far longer than I thought I would. Anyways.