Bonus Round: Reg's post

[alt-player.livejournal.com]

We realized that in the way of journal conversations, things got a little muddled last night, and anyone reading might read things out of order going straight down by thread (for example, Regulus and Pansy say their good-nights halfway through their conversation, read top-to-bottom).

And since we're silly and that effect of journals really affects the later conversation, we present to you, the text of Regulus' whole post and comments, in chronological order:

 

Regulus (1:31AM):

It's dark as pitch

behind you, the bright one

there, low in the south, with the Lyrids shooting

like hexes towards you, past you

   there: one

       another

 

 

Pansy (1:49 AM):

Hello.

Did you write that?

It sounds like you.

I like it.

 

 

Regulus (1:51AM):

Oh, hey there.

I--

yes, I wrote it. Didn't really think about how it would sound to anyone else.

 

 

Pansy (2:13 AM):

I think that's often the best sort of poetry. The real kind.





I don't sit around the Common Room blabbing on and on about chocs and prezzies, you know.

I don't want you to think that.

 

 

Regulus (2:18 AM):

That girl is not very nice, is she?

I saw it, but I knew better.

You were worried?

 

 

Pansy (2:21 AM):

kind of.

About lots of things.

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

 

 

Regulus (2:22 AM):

Don't be.

What things? Or, sorry, that's rude of me.

 

 

Pansy (2:29 AM):

no, it's not.

I just feel lately like everything I do and think is wrong. I just end up making a mess of things, and the harder I try the more mess I make and it just doesn't seem to stop.

 

for starters

 

 

Regulus (2:33 AM):

You haven't been in trouble lately, have you? I've been a little preoccupied, I guess, but I haven't seen any word of great messes you've made.

You could always compare yourself to me and then you'd see that you're a model citizen.

 

 

Pansy (2:45 AM):

You're right. I haven't got in too bad a trouble this term.

Yet.

See, right now? this is a mess I'm in the middle of making. I'm probably not supposed to get all mopey and talk about actual feelings, because then I'll get you in trouble or something, and next thing you know

well

I guess it's more anticipated mess than actual mess. Which is silly of me.

 

 

Regulus (2:45 AM):

Now you have me worried.

 

 

Pansy (2:51 AM):

Well, that does us both no good at all.

We'll just end up worrying one another to bits.


I'm know I'm not supposed to.

worry about you, I mean.

but I do.

sometimes.

friends can worry about friends, can't they?

 

 

 

Regulus (2:54 AM):

yes

 

 

Regulus (2:54 AM)

You think you'll get me in trouble?

 

 

Pansy (2:57 AM):

Well, knowing me, it's a distinct possibility.

I have a knack, you see.

 

 

Pansy (3:02 AM):

And no, she is not.

Did you have anyone at school you didn't get on with?

 

 

Pansy (3:03 AM):

Besides the obvious, that is.

 

 

Regulus (3:06 AM):

Ha.

I can get myself in plenty of trouble all on my own. A little help from you one way or the other probably won't make it any worse.

Should I tell you a secret? I can't decide if it's a good time or not.

 

 

Pansy (3:08 AM):

Please do.

As long as it's the good kind.

 

 

Regulus (3:09) AM:

Oh, now that's funny!

And, yes. There were one or two I had trouble with. Worse than with him even.

 

 

Pansy (3:09 AM):

Tips would be greatly appreciated.

Once we've got owls again, that is.

 

 

Regulus (3:11 AM):

Of course it's the good kind. It's only that it's a present and that may seem a bit ironic given where we started this conversation.

I sent you a parcel a couple of weeks ago. It's waiting in the special delivery office until they can send it on to you. I really thought hard about what you might like to read next. I hope you like this one.

 

 

Pansy (3:18 AM):

Well, see, now, that is the best kind of secret.

Because it's something I can look forward to, and it'll still be a lovely surprise.

And I'm not worried about that any more. I just didn't want you to think anything of it is all. And you don't. Which is all that matters.

 

 

Regulus (3:18 AM):

Never let her get to you. Never blink or back down. Never let her find out your secrets.

Well. Aside from this set of super-secret advice!

 

 

Regulus (3:20 AM):

Exactly.

And I can tell you that I'd never believe anything that awful Ravenclaw thing says.

 

 

Pansy (3:22 AM):

You can bet she's committing every word of that to memory.

You're right, though. I think the key is to find out which people's opinions you really do care about, and just not bothering with the rest, because why waste the energy?

 

 

Pansy (3:23 AM):

good.

 

 

Pansy (3:27 AM):

It's getting late. I'd better try and get some sleep.

Good night, Pirate.

 

 

Regulus (3:34 AM):

That's a good idea, I think.


Good night, Pansy.

 

 

Sirius (3:36 AM):

Have a good chat?

I've been watching. Didn't want to interrupt.

 

 

Regulus (3:40 AM):

Oh, now. That's not creepy at all.

 

 

Sirius (3:42 AM):

You should know.

Anyway, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant

I didn't want to chase her off.

 

 

Sirius (3:46 AM):

You're between Mars and Jupiter, here.

And there's one - right past you.

 

 

[Alice – Order only (3:50 AM):

You just keep drawing one another in, don't you?

Please be careful, love. I know how you can get when you talk to him.]

 

 

Regulus (3:52 AM):

Yeah. Thanks for that.

She's a good

kid

person

She thinks about other people, you know, and also she just thinks. About what things mean, about what people are about. She thinks.

 

 

[Sirius – Order only (3:53 AM):

I know. 've been drinking thinking about it most of the day.

Promised myself I wouldn't, though. Not tonight.]

 

 

Regulus (3:54 AM):

Yeah.

So where are you?

I don't mean where where, but what kind of place?

I'm in the great park. Nothing but wand light here. And you.

 

 

Sirius (4:02 AM):

I've noticed that.

Not that I've had the

No

Yes, you're right.

So. It's poetry again? Does London still have tatty coffeehouses where everyone wears berets?

 

 

Sirius (4:05 AM):

Me? Why, I'm at the Elysian, of course, waiting for you to drop by.

 

 

Regulus (4:07 AM):

Not so many. Berets are a bit out of fashion here these days

 

 

Regulus (4:08 AM):

Right.

Nice chatting, then.

G'night.

 

 

Regulus (4:10 AM):

Oh, look.

I'm just tired of it.

Just tired.

Can't we just

Right.

Never mind.

 

 

Sirius (4:14 AM):

Don't

I wasn't taking the piss, all right?

Fine.

I'm outside, as well.

Somewhere... quiet.

 

 

Sirius (4:17 AM):

Oi, you started off wanting to talk. So? Talk to me.

I've been waiting all this time.

Just

She's right, you know. It's important to know whose opinions matter.

Trouble is sometimes the ones who matter aren't the ones you want to care about, but you do, nevertheless.

It's not as easy as saying you're done.

 

 

Regulus (4:34 AM):

Good.


Quiet is good.

 

 

Regulus (4:34 AM):

It's not as easy as saying you're done. Too right, there.

Oh, I don't know, Sirius. I just don't.


The trouble is some opinions trump all.

 

 

Sirius (4:40 AM):

It's thinking like that that made me leave. Made me need to leave.

You've just changed one tyrant for another. It's the same trap.

And do you really think escaping was equal to not standing up?

 

 

Regulus (4:53 AM):

Home wasn't a trap. And he was strict, but not a tyrant. He just thought what he thought, and you had to fight him, but for what? A bike and some notions about making things 'fair' by giving up everything we had?

I don't know.

I don't.

 

 

Regulus (5:04 AM):

It looks like there's a war up there in the darkness.

I can't tell who's winning.

 

 

Sirius (5:06 AM):

Not to you, maybe. Things changed once they thought you were their only hope. Didn't need me anymore, did they?

And it wasn't about giving up everything. It's about

Being decent to people. Isn't that what you meant when you said your friend thinks about people?

Look what his way creates - horrid little hags like the one you were discussing. That's your future down the road.

Is that really what you want?

 

 

 

Regulus (5:16 AM):

You left them. What were they supposed to do? You made it clear you didn't need us.

It's different now than it was. That's

true

but what you wanted wasn't right any more than

it would have gone wrong even faster
 
 

 
 
No. I don't want that. All right? I don't.

 

 

Regulus (5:27 AM):

And trust me. It wasn't a party being their only after you left.

They changed then. Got harder. Father went bitter, Mother sour.

It's good he's gone.

I wonder sometimes if she knows that, too.

 

 

Regulus (5:29 AM):

I was serious when I said Father would be disappointed.


But not only with us.

 

 

Sirius (5:30 AM):

Once again, we remember it differently. I'm not surprised.

And you don't know if it would have gone wrong, but that's

That doesn't matter now.


I mean


look what he's done to you, for

I do believe you, Reg. That it's gone wrong for you and you know it.

I'm just not sure you


The trap wasn't home, or Father's strictness, or even Mother and her spiderwebs of guilt and whatever else. It was in thinking theirs were the only opinions that mattered - their philosophy the only one that worked.

 

 

Sirius (5:35 AM):

No, Father wouldn't be proud of what you've become. I know that. He and I may have disagreed about ... well, everything, more or less, but he'd have hated the way your 'master' makes you show your loyalty.

That's the real irony for you, Reg. You're better than that. He's twisting you into something I don't even recognise.

And I know it's partly to hurt me. Well, surprise - it works.

 

 

Sirius (5:43 AM):

It wasn't easy for me, either. But I know now that it saved me.

You could have followed, you know.

you still can

 

 

Regulus (5:45 AM):

Who knows if it worked or not? If it would have. It's not what it

This isn't

 
 
 
Mordred.

It's not as if He doesn't know I think it, anyway, but I can't

 

 

 

 

Regulus (5:50 AM):

Well, obviously.

And again. Do you think I don't know? Really?

I'm sorry, you know. About that, too. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Do you need me to say it for it to be real?

 

 

Sirius (5:56 AM):

Oh, for mercy's sake, Reg! You're a WIZARD, not a damn MOUSE.


Sorry.

I told myself I wouldn't


Look, I know it's scary, right? But you have to believe there can be another option.

 

 

 

Regulus (6:02 AM):

I didn't have your reasons to go. Not that you asked me along. But I wanted to be Father's second.

Now look who's stating the obvious. Sorry. It's just

I wanted

I'm not good at this, you know? Finding words for all this rubbish. I wanted our family--you and them and what we should have been if you just hadn't hated it so much all along or if Mother hadn't

and I know it was never what it should have been, and that's why you didn't love us

love

I don't know

with you, you know, there were times when none of the rest mattered at all? Mother could turn away and Father could thunder and it didn't matter because we were together for it all

but afterwards

I'm sorry, I just, I don't know what to say now to you

that I'm not you? and I couldn't do it like you would, like you did?

 

 

Sirius (6:06 AM):

Yeah, I know. How many times d'you think I've picked up my quill only to stop myself and wait until it was really necessary?

Not that it mattered much. Not if what I think you were doing last is what you were doing.


And no, I guess I don't need to see it on the page, or hear it spoken. But maybe you do.

 

 

Regulus (6:12 AM):

 

Don't tell me what you think. Really, don't.

Just let this be enough.

 

 

Regulus (6:13 AM):

I can't fight you tonight.

I just

can't

 

 

Sirius (6:19 AM):

I didn't think you'd have wanted

Besides, you always followed. Everywhere except Gryffindor.

I thought

I dunno, I guess I thought if I paved the way

No, that's not true. Not exactly. I thought you were on their side. And if you weren't, that you'd change too.

But as for the rest? Merlin, Reg. I've been drunk for about sixteen hours and I'm not drunk enough for that conversation.

 

 

Sirius (6:46 AM):

Hey.

You know when I called you goblin?

You know I meant it as a term of

well.

I didn't mean anything by it.

 

 

Regulus (6:50 AM):

Yeah, I know.

 

 

Sirius (6:51 AM):

Look, it's getting light out here. Where I am. Which I'm still not telling you but, you know, only because.

I should get some sleep.

Go to sleep, little brother. It'll be better in the morning.

 

 

Regulus (7:01 AM):

That's a good idea, I think.


Good night, arch-traitor Black.

 

 

Sirius (7:03 AM):

Good night goblin, Pirate.




Comments

[sugarjet03.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think it's one of the best (and most heartbreaking) threads so far.

[sternel.livejournal.com]

The last week or so has been breaking my heart, over and over again. Between Luna and Pansy and these Black boys, I'm just in awe of how splendidly sad this all is.

[spiffariffic.livejournal.com]

I agree, this last week has just been amazing.

[longstrider.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this.

Also, is http://alt-player.livejournal.com/friends/ still the best place to read everything or is there another feed that's better? I got way behind and am sort of catching up.

[lapin-agile.livejournal.com]

I think you're better off reading from http://alt-player.dreamwidth.org/read

I noticed one recent post that did not cross-post to the corresponding livejournal (alt_crouch_jr).

If you are needing to catch up on posts going back many weeks or months, you'll probably need to rely on the alt_moderator summaries here on alt_fen because both LJ and DW are set to allow friendslist browsing of only the past two weeks (roughly?) of posts. (If anyone knows a remedy for this limitation, I'd love to hear about it.)

[longstrider.livejournal.com]

Ah ha! it was the alt-player at dreamwidth I wasn't finding. Thanks!

Yeah if I'm really going to catch up and not just start reading again I'll have to go back to the summary posts.

[lapin-agile.livejournal.com]

Another thing you might do would be just to read back in a couple of player journals if there are a few particular characters you find most interesting. (It doesn't give the whole picture of the game, but as a way to catch up, it might be a reasonable strategy.)